long time didnt update le
cause i am still still waiting
waiting for my new com..
haiz...
tt uncle is realli very slow..
indeed...
haiz..
now aday gt so much problem..
which make me feel so...
[stress]
but now everything is over
i feel so much more better...
someitmes i aso dunno
is everything true?
i dun dare to believe
wad i actuallty hv
and wad i actually done..
although other ppl
sae i didnt do anything..
i aso dunno why..
haha...
well..
i am very very happy..
cause we are in the top 4 sch!!
yessh!!!
first time orchid park gals
could get into top 4..
at least we gonna top 4...
although we are actually aiming for
top 2...
and i believe we can do it..
i remember when we played with tkg...
and it was realli a tight game...
phew...
haha...
the score is 6-5 in the end..
isnt it tight?
wow...
at the beginning is
---------------
1-0
1-1
2-1
2-4
6-4
6-5
-----------------
i remember we were so scare...
cause one runner has come in
we cant let another one in..
in order to win...
den 2 was down..
and dere was a runner on 3..
the batter bunt..
to me..
i pick the ball and throw to one..
daph caught..
the runner ran pass...
out? safe?
i dunno...
waiting for the umpire...
silence...
"out!"
the umpire clence his fist...
wao!!!
i jumped out and burst into tears.
i am soo happy..
tt time wanna still dunno we won..
haha...
and i told her..
she was so happy
tt she hugged me..
haha...
if the runner is safe
den we gt to play again..
but lucky she is out!!
hahahha...
mr goh and coach were aso so happy...
haha..
mr goh jump up
and see their reaction
can show tt they are happy
i am so happy...
faridah cried...
haha...
cause tis is the first time
we build the gals reputation up..
yesh!!!
haha..
hope we can do well and play well!!!
love my softball gals!!!

i really hope that i can explain word to word why and why.
it was said that everything happen for a reason and not every reason can be clearly stated why and so.
maybe one day when you could not find a reason why, you will start to blame it on god, thinking that he is the one making the path for you and trying to make things really difficult for you. he put you into a maze of relationship, happiness, sadness. every exit you choose to leave the maze, you encounter different challenges. the more he know what you detest, the more he arrange you to meet it. maybe to challenge your faith or train your determination.
if you are not strong enough, you fall into the directions of sorrow. if you are strong enough, you are allow to move on to the next pace.
so people are trapped inside regardless the quantity of time. people that moves on quickly are able to leave the maze towards their happiness. people that could not move on, have to stay in there and challenge yourself till you do not fall back again.
so what are you?
(:

也许你可以告诉我为什么。 我真的已经为他付出了所有。能给的我也都已经个了， 可是为什么心还是那么痛。 为什么错的不是我，可是受罪的永远都是我？ 为什么我的真心都给了他，可是他还是这样的对我。已经过了这么久，他也都已经放下走了，但我还牢牢地站在原地不动？我的心真的好痛，每一次想起他，我的心都不知觉的痛了起来。我真的不想想起以前所发生的大小事务， 可是有时，我真的就想回到以前。 至少我还能以好朋友的身份来和他开开心心的说话。 至少以前的他最信任的就是我，可是现在的他我已经不知道他到那里去了。 我真的好想听到他的声音。
我是真的真的好想他。我知道我和他已经不可能再在一起，可不可以至少让我的心不要那么痛，也让我不要这么想他？
我求求你。

i swear to god. i am not not not dropping a tear.
i cant. please. tell me i cant and i should not!
please. tell me why am i always always feeling this way when it is suppose to be gone long ago.
i told myself to be cool. to be really cool. i always manage to do that in the present. but it is definitely negative when coming to the point of leaving the scene.
i hate the feeling of reluctance for both parties.
the reluctant of not letting me go and the reluctant of not wanting to go.
i am suppose to get over shouldnt i?
everyone do something for a reason. i did this definitely for a reason. i saw how unhappy things was. i know things were already tensed up.
if i were to stay, things will go bad. i can only choose to go, cant i?
how am i suppose to get into new things, learning new things when i cant even let go of the past.
no that i do not want. but i hate the feeling of how he looks into my eyes. i hope its my own wishful thinking. but i know its not. what should i do? run away, i know i shouldnt. face it, i know i cant.
god, it had been the 5th year. can you just let me go? out of this. to a place where i am suppose to go. i can ask angeline to hold the pride a girl should hold. but where's mine?
alright,i know i will be alright. i would not be trap here. never. no.

when will he let me off. tell me.
please.
please.
please.
please.

i dun understand why i believe in it. i always do. for the past several years. many things can be said and undone so easily for you. but its never for a person who are hearing it, me. everything is said and forgo, forgotten, pushed off. but it still stay deep deep inside. now i understood what's the meaning of so what if it is said. so what if you really meant it on the point you said out. it still become pointless after some days. you dun notice, you dun feel. saying you understand is just a pile of nonsense. hate to feel this way, but the fact never runs away. it comes again and there it wave goodbye. stop giving chances when i should have known the answer long ago. i guess i dun admit defeat, maybe to someone else. push it off, get it off my mind.
as for you, i know i had never gone in. the fact is you had pushed me off years ago. to be glad that i manage to retrieve certain trust and closeness back from this relationship. told myself to be glad, to be contented to be satisfied. but when things come to times when you cant help it but to ask for more, you know where sufferings come. if i had push it to a stop times ago, maybe it wouldnt feel this bad.
i hate you, but yet that's the more i love you.
i am getting off. goodbye.

i dun know where the pain come from.
sometimes i think i am so like her in the show. to know that he had found his another half, but deep down inside you know there's still some part of you in him. but why things become so uncertain? i believe it is the degree of pain to let you know how strong you are. sometimes, i find myself really weak. i cry whether i feel pain, i teared whenever i think of him. but every occasions always make me stronger each time. in contrast, i find myself becoming stronger as i can overcome the pain and choose to love him again after every single time. i am not sure am i sorry. i feel sorry but yet everything restart over again. it is just like her in the show, know everything might not have an ending, but you choose to sacrifice everything to let yourself fall deep down inside once over again. is that love? does all love come with pain? but why my love encounter so much pain and i never get back anything i hoped for? i am filled with contridictions i always am. i want him this badly, but yet i dun want him back with part of his heart having another person. i dun know when will miracle happen when i begged for miracle. i always believe that as long as i perservere, i will harvest in the end. i dun know when is my love going to blossom, and i do not know how long more i can persist. but as long as i know my heart is with you, i will persist.

with love

wooo..
so boring now..
so come to update...
hmmm...
yesterdae...
nth much things happen...
when we walking to sch
we saw a dead rat..
i think is cause xin she first..
so she didnt sream..
but me, zhen and linh see ltr
we scream lyk hell...
haha...
when in sch....
i saw him...
but we still walk pass each other
lyk tt...
without saying anything...
i think for the rest
of my daes in opss
we wouldnt tok barz...
although i realli feel so...
den we f4 no need to sae is still together lor
when we were in the music room
is the most dun of all..
we were holding each other's hand
and singing graduation...
isnt funny??
haha...
everyone was doing their work..
but we were playing..
and singing..
we also play mee mee mee ray me fa so??
i dunno...
haha....
but i know we anyhow play..
tt's all...
haha...
den ltr we went to eat ice cream...
i saw him with his frien...
but i went into the void deck...
haha...
although i feel nt funny...
we went hm...
ltr me and linh feel lyk going
sakae sushi...
i called zhen and xin..
but they did nt come....
me, linh, diyao, jason and linh's sis
meet at 330...
and we went dere..
we eat...
wa... it wass soo full..
i think i am so useless...
i eat abt 5 plates den i full le...
but linh and her sis is nt even full yet...
haha....
i think all together we ate 35 plates bar??
diyao and jason didnt come in..
but they wanna come
in the end..
but is already too late
cause going to 6 le...
no more buffe ltr....
they ask us to bring them some food...
but cannot...
gt someone lyk keeping alookout on us...
haha...
ltr i sms zhen...
and she was with xin...
heheex.
actualli we four wanna come out todae together..
but i think nvm larz.
still gt todae mar...
den she sae she at bishan...
ask where are we...
they said they took neo print...
hahazz...
after linh come back we four
had nv took neo print...
but we will take soon..
hehee..
hmm...
ltr linh's sis, yao and jason
went hm...
but me and linh went to orchard...
we were they laughing all the way out..
through the mrt...
and shopping cnetre...
haha...
we think of our childhood..
so many good memories...
hmmm...
den we walk and walk..
we wanna go herran...
den i saw 2 statue...
den i was lyk thinking...
gt tis 2 statue when we go herran meh?
den i ask linh...
and she correct...
continue to walk...
but after we step one step..
she shouted...
u know why???
cause herran is just beside us...
-__-"
haha*
we walk in... we went to buy pencil case
another stupid thing happen...
cause gt 2 guys went in..
den the alarm rang...
den i sae tt is was their belt...
den the assistant inside look at us..
den ltr another guy came in
and it rang too...
i said again is because of the belt..
and the assistand look at me
agian and smile..
and say.....
dun stand so near the door...
-__-"""""""
get the idea??
cause me and linh was choosing
the pencil case...
and the shelve is near the door
and is cause i stand too near the door
with the pencil case..
and the alarm rang...
den me and linh was lyk
laughing and laughin..
till we cant stand...
den i ask linh to stand dere
and she stiill continue to laugh..
haiz..
haha*
den ltr we went to take neo print..
at first we sae take one...
but in the end we take 2..
haha*
we decorate the photo..
till tire..
cause dere is no time limit...
haha....
den linh wanna try dunno wad...
and in end destroy the photo...
lyk gt ghost behind...
haha...
after tt we went out herran..
wa... there's alot of guys...
in the afternoon dun hv...
but night alot...
and alot of monster...
hahaha...
cause i think they are having
dunno wad....
den gt alot of ppl dressed in costume..
den linh saw a very pretty gal..
till she dun wan to leave..
she sae the gal is the prettiest
gal she saw in singapore...
hahaha...
den ltr when we cross the road..
gt 2 person dress in money mask...
and walk behind...
den soon when me and linh chatting..
i saw tt one on the monkey was walking
behind us..
and on beside linh..
i hold linh..
and sae...
look to ur side..
and when she look...
she screamed...
hahahhahahhahaha
i cant stop laughing...
den ltr we walk in the basement..
nth to walk...
so we went hm..
it was 9 clock..
cant believe we can shop so long barx??
haha
i was alone...
when i was walking...
hmmm...
rather scary...
linh acc me till eastern dere...
den i go hm myself..
very dark...
but luckily..
he called me and acc me tok...
talk till i go hm den we hang..
phew..
haha....
is nt the him...
nt the one i lyk...
haiz...
tell u int he next blog...
bye....

well....
i dunno why...
i am being sarcasted by
selfish ppl....
i dunno why....
hope tt it would stop...
if nt i will show attitude
which i actualli dun wan to...
realli being pissed off...
well...
todae....
no need to sae lor...
we 'f4' again....
early in the morning...
i was dere very early...
which no one dere yet...
den i met shilka and grace's block dere
and i tok to her...
tok and tok and tok
till dere are ppl dere...
which is my dearest
kelly and zhen..
gee*
i saw him when the bus came
he alight...
see him come down frm the bus...
into the sch....
with his long bag...
hmmm...
lessons...
are boring...
seriously boring...
nth much to sae abt tt...
we went to hall for a concert??
frm taiwanese??
i nt pretty sure abt it...
but i know i was abt to
doze off...
but i was playing with
kelly and xin through out...
till farhan was dere saying
where is our audience manner...
hahaha....
after sch we gt math wale?
i dunno...
haha...
when we get dere
is too early..
and we sent kelly down..
came back...
still cannot go in....
hehee...
ltr...
i dunno why when i was writing
on the paper....
i wrote alot of mistakes...
i dunno why....
okie...
soon....
the math thinggie finish...
den we went down to the cca room...
i saw faridah and shilka
is cleaning the room....
after i had my lunch...
i went to help out...
hmmm....
i request val and xin to go hm first...
cause see them outside
i dun think they gt plan to come in...
yea...
but nvm larz....
me, fard, rebecca, chyening,velarie
were cleaning....
i was sneezing through...
ar choooo chooo chooo..
non stop..
till faridah ask me to go out..
haha...
now i think
tmr when they see the cca
they were have a shock...
hahaha*
it was very very clean now...
i dunno why todae's cleaning
is sooo fun...
haha...
we were all laughing...
den ltr marcus request to throw
but no one bother abt him...
haha...
but ltr me and shilka went to throw...
at first still okok de....
den ltr marcus join in...
i ask him to throw softly...
but i dunno why....
after awhile become me and marcus throw onli..
i think he wanna blast..
so i ask him to...
i move very back...
hahah...
but i dunno why
i cant realli catch his balls....
fast fast fast...
haha...
somemore i dunno why
gt one ball will hit to my head...
haha...
i thought i caught it...
but it drop out....
hmmm...
haha....
when we going hm more funny..
i was walking alone...
cause the rest of them were walking another side...
den i was looking at them...
fard, marcus lim, marcus soh were playing
but dunno how
and why...
marcus lim fall into the drain...
and we were all laughing
and fard still dere sae
go find his skin...
haha....
we realli laugh off our skin man...
haha...
den i ask him to wash his leg
cause it is bleeding...
and he dun wan..
he run away...
chye ning was chasing after him..
so we did nt go hm...
wen to the mama shop..
haha...
but he still dun wan to wash his leg..
he sae he want nature healing...
i dun get it...
-__-"
haha*
but soon we aso go hm nah...
and when i reach hm...
den i realise tt my mama
did nt cook my favourite dish todae..
didnt plan to eat...
hahaha*...
anyway tmr is our match against stc...
heard tt cresent beat them at 15-5!!
so we must beat them at 20-0
haha...
but realli realli hope we can win
and i can bat well...
haha....
i dunno why..
he jsut said a hello to me...
when i open the conversation of his
and plan ot sae harlow to him...
but he said first...
i am so happy...
hehee....
but... i dunno why..
he offline so soon...
haha*
okie!!
hope to hv another chatting time with him!!
cya!!

hi...
tis is the first time
i used white
to write my blog...
cause tis skin is black
i think use white is alright...
em....
i dunno why...
everytime is xin ask me to update
den i will update de...
if nt sometimes realli
very very lazy to touch it...
haha....
well... i just come back after bad mood
haha...
cause i am sleeping
den my father wake me up...
for dinner...
heheex...
i think i dun lyk ppl disturb my slp
hahaha...
but now of course is alright
blur blur mar
when just wake up
but now is clear...
haha...
den i ask my dad abt my new com
and he sae he didnt buy...
and i was lyk...
haha....
but ltr he sae he bought...
cause my com is already spoiled....
everytime go in then hang....
haha...
den he aso use durian to poke me...
dun worry...
is nt violent de poke...
is play play de...
haha....
well...
yesterdae i went out....
i bought quite alot of things
a new skirt (finally)
haha*
and a new wallet...
gee*
my uncle cant believe tt i can
shop at hou gang mall
with my frien for 4 hours
haha....
but i dun find it strange
cause gals....
haha....
den ltr i went to my grandma hs....
on fridae...
gt the concert...
hmmm...
shld i sae i regret
spending the 10 dollars going??
er....
i aso dunno neh..
at first nt
den yes...
den nt again...
haha...
i think i spend the 10 dollar
is nt go dere to watch
the concert...
but to...
see......
haha...
dun sae le...
i think linh and friends know barz
but ltr i regrets...........
but when go hm with linh...
gee gee...
something happen
where make me feel tt the
10 dollars worth it...
haha....
i dunno how to tell u wad happen...
hmmm...
hahaha....
but i know i make a fool of myself...
making me laugh till lyk tt
and cant imagine linh actually laugh
with me
when she saw...
haha...
and i aso miss a chance...
to smile...
--___--::
hahaha....
yea...
but anyway it is realli very funny!!
haha...
oki shall stop here...
update again soon... bye!!

well...
surprisingly
after xin told me tt i have nt update for a long time
i came to see
and realise i realli
long time didnt update le
wahaha
hmmm
sch has repopen...
first few daes....
hmmmm...
still can lor
but start to hv alot of homework le
den now adae
spend dunno how many daes
with my sb frien
always appear in the cca room
den when reach hm is already 7
no time to do homework
when wanna do hw...
i will diao....
fall asleep
haha
dere are aso match when sch reopen
tournament le
no longer friendly...
during sch holidae
dere were alot of friendly match
we loose 2 and won 4 i think
haha*
nt bad barz?
lost to nan yang which is our strongest opponent
and tk...
our long term enemy
hahaha....
but i believe
when we mee them in national
we were nt let them win again
and i promise
we will try our best
tournament is also here
just lyk todae..
match against nan hua...
tt time we played with them b4
4-1
but tis time is we improve??
haha...
we won them by 16- 7..
nt bad hor?
wan yee's pitching alot alot
i realli realli dunno why
now aday i cant bat...
bat le always bat to the pitcher
and get tag out...
i am sooo sad...
i dunno why...
haiz...
lyk no contact and no strength...
sad sad sad....
den cresent match
i didnt even run home...
haiz!!!
vex!!
and love problem...
alot alot alot
cry alot of times
everytime i tell linh abt tis
i will automatically cry
i dunno why...
she tell me alot of things
which make me think abt himsss
and cry..
haiz...
i dunno...
now aday see him in sch
and always chat with another one
but dunno how and who...
i dun wanna sae until too obvious
so i think alot of ppl
will nt understand wad i sae
but nvm...
i onli know feeign tis kind of things
come beri automatically
without u knowing...
sometimes still will lyk 2 person in a time...
but i know who is the she...
due to alot of things...
but i dare nt tell him...
ltr he think i kpo...
or angry cause i guessed alot of times
i dun wan him to angry...
haiz!!!
irritating!!!
ok i shall stop here....
go watch tvee liao...
see ya!!
hope i can do better
in the next match!!!